Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
