I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
