i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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