nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
