can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
