Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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