Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
