I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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