so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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