the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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