I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She bit a glass in half.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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