How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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