i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
