My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
