question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I think my moral compass just broke
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