that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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