Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
