i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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