I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
