wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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