Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
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