Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
