My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
