i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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