I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
