when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
