Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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