Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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