Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
