I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
My cat gives me a boner
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
