Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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