I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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