i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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