I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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