I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
