Plan B is the new Plan A
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
