The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
