Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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