Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
