I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
