Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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