The best revenge is premature balding
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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