The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
