The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
