someone threw a dead crab at me
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Randomize
