ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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