Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
