I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
