I cannot find my penis.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize