i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
