The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
