Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
