It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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