Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
