Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
