She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
