she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
what day is it and did you see me today?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize