Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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