Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
This is classic penis vs brain.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize