I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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