did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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