i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
