i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Randomize
