I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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