Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
farters have to be the big spoon...
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
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