Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
