Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Michael Bay diarrhea
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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