I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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