girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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