my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize