I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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